blow out all the candles

'i'll never be a lover / i only bring the heat' - daughter, 'candles'

it’s my nineteenth birthday so i’ve decided to write about an all consuming love.

at some point in my life, i will be in love with someone. hopefully it feels like a religion, something that consumes the both of us entirely.

i’ll be with a lover that buzzes with anticipation, because they haven’t seen me in ages and they want their arms around me immediately. someone that angrily kicks off their shoes in out doorway, just to quietly walk over and put their head in my lap. i’ll run my fingers through their always messy hair, and try to absorb their frustration and anger (because i feel like i don’t have enough). if that doesn’t work then we’ll sit out on the fire escape during a thunderstorm so they can pretend their tears are just rain.

in the same breath, i want ruin. the kind that makes one want to purposefully walk into the ocean. i want to know what it feels like to drown in a love that will crush everyone involved. what it feels like to destroy myself and everyone around me in the name of love. to have something so great, so magnificent that it blinds me like rage, something that i can never take my eyes off of... this love will show me what it’s like to be devoured whole, spit out, and tossed back in. how to cruelly yet passionately grasp what i’m starving for and never let my grip loosen.

this will be a love that consumes everything in its path, because what am i if not overwhelming? maybe i’ll be too much for them, maybe they won’t mind it; we must be the need and the needy. perhaps they desire the gnawing pain that my love brings them; the wounds that open up each time i utter ‘i love you.’ a sound that echoes an angel’s laughter; after all, shouldn’t a god worship his lovers as well? though our love would be more god than what christians worship on sundays, more godlike than the myths told in children’s books. an all consuming love that leaves nothing but ruin, because why should my love not rupture the universe?

but above all, i hope they understand that love doesn’t wither like the trees or melt like the snow. i will love them longer than our love allows, longer than our lives allow.

so if someone could give me one good honest kiss, then maybe i’ll be alright.