descent to the valley

an elegy: late summer's bleeding out

an elegy dedicated to death in the summertime.

july ended kneeling by the bedside wondering if i was praying right. it was the season when sunbleached memories plagued:

down by the creek, signs of god. saltwater fingers trapped in a sharkbite snarl. crane your neck. i’ll demonstrate. creation myth, horror flick. the killer’s weak to the impulse. matching scars: his collarbone, my hip. aching jaws and unzipped jeans in the backyard. stumbling through boyhood, eternal collapsing omen. all the lies my sister never told me. slow rain turned flashflood. sunburnt hands, feverish dreams. drowning in misguided love. violence cycling over. stop pulling your punches. this is our way to heaven. life grew wider, / inevitable, / in the wrong place.

unfinished summers stretch into days spent waiting for a sign. stained letters deemed holy text. frenzied whispers echoing along empty backroads and highways. the still silence of our truck. passenger side chainsmoking wishing time would erase.

final destination: the desert. my own private holy land.

i search for my god. / i find him at a grave. / he recites psalm 139:7. / outgrown resentment, has he scratched that itch yet? / this eden of mine robs me of love and devotion. / am i in the right place? / i miss the silence. / i miss a god who would listen. / this isn’t the heaven i wanted, i believe it does not want me either. / this desert is vast. / take me out of eden, i miss my god. / the only thing worth saving is death. / what if i’m the apple instead?

was it worth it?